Last Jokes

Women understand

10. Cats’ facial expressions. 9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors. 8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds. 7. Fat clothes. 6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time. 5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell. 4. Cutting your curls to make them grow. 3. Eyelash curlers. 2. The inaccuracy ... Read More »

The truth about Cats and Dogs

What is a Cat? 1. Cats do what they want. 2. They rarely listen to you. 3. They’re totally unpredictable. 4. They whine when they are not happy. 5. When you want to play they want to be alone. 6. When you want to be alone they want to play. 7. They expect you to cater to their every whim. ... Read More »

Kids say the darndest things!

A catholic teacher asks her students to answer the question “When you die what part of your body goes to Heaven first?” One student replied “I think it is the heart”. “Why?”, asks the teacher. “Well”, replied the student, “because we keep Jesus and God in our hearts.” Another student replied “I think that the brain goes to Heaven first.” ... Read More »

You Know You’re in New York City When…

You Know You’re in New York City When… 1. Nuns walk down the street carrying automatic weapons. 2. You can run into the corner deli and have an eat-in lunch with dessert in the time it takes to cross the intersection of 8th and 42nd at rush hour. 3. A flying saucer can pass overhead and you hear the locals ... Read More »

Car in Heaven

–°ar in heaven

Three guys died; when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them and said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is ... Read More »

Do What With Sheep

Somewhere over Australia… The plane contains a pilot, co-pilot and a load of sheep. The route is long and the weather is abominable. Nearing their destination the pilot realizes that the fuel is insufficient. “I’m afraid we are just not going to make it Steve. We must prepare to jump.” advises the pilot. The co-pilots says, “WHAT ABOUT THE SHEEP!” ... Read More »

Look Out!

A drunk staggering in the street was struck by a passing car. The driver slammed on the brakes, jumped out and looking back at the drunk shouted, “Look out!”The drunk raised his head and asked, “Why? You gonna back up?” Read More »

The Top 16 Tim McVeigh Last Request Ice Cream Flavors

1. Kooky D’oh! 2. Dead Mango Walking 3. Goodbye Cruel Swirl 4. Chocolate Chip Cookie John Doe #2 5. Rocky Road to Hell 6. Tossed Cookies ‘n’ Scream 7. Militia Mint Gun Nut Crunch 8. Electric Cherry 9. No Tunnel / No Light Surprise 10. Chocolate Marshmallow Martyr 11. Sodium Pentothal Pistachio Swirl 12. Pralines ‘n’ Lethal-Injection-Antidote Crunch 13. Chunky ... Read More »

Hair on your twinkie

A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut. When her turn comes, she brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a bite. “You’re getting hair on your twinkie,” the barber playfully warns. “Yes, ... Read More »

The Bridge

There were 3 men working on the harbour bridge, all of a sudden the lunch signal rang, so they started to have their lunch. The 3 people were, Chinese, Irish, and an Australian. The Chinese person looked inside his sandwich and said, “Oh CRAP! If I get peanut butter sandwich again from my wife, I am going to jump off ... Read More »

Golf challenge

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could ... Read More »

A Visit to Hell

A man died and went to heaven. After an eternity passed, he asked St. Peter to let him visit hell because he was tired of the monotonous life in heaven. St. Peter agreed to let him go for one night. “Devil, I’m spending a night here,” the man said on arrival. “I’ve been told hell is great fun.” “Welcome,” replied ... Read More »

Dog’s New Years Resolution

I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. I will not steal Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on ... Read More »

Talking to Me?

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question. “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness ... Read More »

Climb the Walls

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear,” she asked. The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came ... Read More »

Redneck quickies 16

You might be a redneck if… You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow. You mow your lawn and find a car. You can spit without opening your mouth. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight. You go Christmas shopping for your ... Read More »