Thursday , 24 April 2014
Last Jokes

Telemarketer Revenge

Telemarketer Revenge

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?” 2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, ... Read More »

The irresistible bet

A guy walks into a bar and meets up with a few friends. After a couple of shots of tequila, he stages over to the bar and asks the barkeep for another shot of tequila and the bartender obliges, this goes on for about an hour or so. Finally the man requests another, the barkeep says i gotta cut ya ... Read More »

Headache Cure

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..”.He is interrupted by the doctor, “And a ... Read More »

The “Perfect” Day!

The Perfect Day According To… HER 8:45 – Wake up to hugs and kisses 9:00 – 5 pounds lighter on the scale 9:30 – Light breakfast 11:00 – Sunbathe 12:30 – Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe 1:45 – Shopping 2:30 – Run into husband’s ex – notice she’s gained 30lbs. 3:00 – Facial, massage, nap 7:30 – Candlelight ... Read More »

Question to Dad

One day, A girl asked her father why her name was rose. The father replied, “because when you were born a rose fell on your head”. The next day, Another daughter asked her father why her name was violet. The father replied, “because when you were born a violet fell on your head”. Finally, his third child, his only son, ... Read More »

With Best Friend

A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender brings it to him and asks “Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps”.  To you The guy says “Well, I’ve suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today ... Read More »

You Know You’re in San Francisco When…

You know you’re in San Francisco when….. Your co-worker tells you they have 8 body piercings but none are visible. When someone says TENDERLOIN- you don’t think of steak. You think of danger. You make over $100,000 and still can’t afford a house. You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English. You ... Read More »

The Top 15 Other Pete Rose Confessions

The Top 15 Other Pete Rose Confessions 15.  Although he never bet on the Reds, he did sometimes bet while *on* reds. 14.  Actually earned the nickname “Charlie Hustle” while working the streets in Times Square. 13.  Was once married to Britney Spears for 18 hours. 12.  Enjoys sipping tea while listening to the comforting sounds of Zamfir. 11.  Secretly ... Read More »

I’m just trying to be helpful

A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk “do you live here?” “Yep”. “Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep”. When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked “Is this your floor?” “Yep”. Then the good Samaritan ... Read More »

Hell of a game

A man goes golfing with his Friend, John. He arrives home several hours late. His wife asks,”What took you so long?” He replies,”Oh, honey, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, John had a heart attack and died on the spot!” She replies,”Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you!” The husband replies, “It was hell! Fifteen ... Read More »

10 Signs That A Kid Is A Nerd

10.  Likes people that opress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures. 9.  Is overly enthusiastic about ‘Dungeons and Dragons’ and other role playing games. 8.  Very familiar with mega-hurtz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture. 7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up. 6.  Says ‘Whom’ instead of ‘Who.’ 5.  Is pleased when disruptive individuals ... Read More »

10 things not to say during sex

10) I should have used a condom… 9) Golly, do you need help! 8) Boy, do I want to speak to your pimp! 7) That thing ain’t bigger than your sister’s or mom’s! 6) That was not worth every cent! 5) Is there a money back guarantee? 4) Do you have a microscope on you? 3) There are medical solutions ... Read More »

Lightbulbs and PMS!

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for ... Read More »

That Question!

The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper: “Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?” Her tone upon answering was slightly ... Read More »

Big chess tournament

Big chess tournament

The big chess tournament was taking place at the Plaza in New York. After the first day’s competition, many of the winners were sitting around in the foyer of the hotel talking about their matches and bragging about their wonderful play. After a few drinks they started getting louder and louder until finally, the desk clerk couldn’t take any more ... Read More »

The $50 Bet

The $50 Bet for Blonde

A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o’clock news one evening. The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump.”I’ll take that bet,” the blonde replied.A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had, indeed, jumped from ... Read More »

What’s long, black, and smelly?

The unemployment line

“What’s long, black, and smelly?” “The unemployment line.” Not the unemployment line, the WELFARE line. They never had jobs because they aren’t looking for work, they’re looking for handouts. I had to look up Centrelink. Oh, Australian welfare service. i dont get it ,but heres a better answer. Here goes….A black mans penis! i know, i know, mean, but its ... Read More »