Last Jokes

Car in Heaven

–°ar in heaven

Three guys died; when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them and said, “I know that you guys are forgiven because you’re here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is ... Read More »

Do What With Sheep

Somewhere over Australia… The plane contains a pilot, co-pilot and a load of sheep. The route is long and the weather is abominable. Nearing their destination the pilot realizes that the fuel is insufficient. “I’m afraid we are just not going to make it Steve. We must prepare to jump.” advises the pilot. The co-pilots says, “WHAT ABOUT THE SHEEP!” ... Read More »

Look Out!

A drunk staggering in the street was struck by a passing car. The driver slammed on the brakes, jumped out and looking back at the drunk shouted, “Look out!”The drunk raised his head and asked, “Why? You gonna back up?” Read More »

The Top 16 Tim McVeigh Last Request Ice Cream Flavors

1. Kooky D’oh! 2. Dead Mango Walking 3. Goodbye Cruel Swirl 4. Chocolate Chip Cookie John Doe #2 5. Rocky Road to Hell 6. Tossed Cookies ‘n’ Scream 7. Militia Mint Gun Nut Crunch 8. Electric Cherry 9. No Tunnel / No Light Surprise 10. Chocolate Marshmallow Martyr 11. Sodium Pentothal Pistachio Swirl 12. Pralines ‘n’ Lethal-Injection-Antidote Crunch 13. Chunky ... Read More »

Hair on your twinkie

A young girl is sitting in a barber shop with her mother, eating a twinkie, and anxiously awaiting her first hair cut. When her turn comes, she brings her twinkie with her to the chair, and the barber covers her. Soon, she pulls the twinkie out for a bite. “You’re getting hair on your twinkie,” the barber playfully warns. “Yes, ... Read More »

The Bridge

There were 3 men working on the harbour bridge, all of a sudden the lunch signal rang, so they started to have their lunch. The 3 people were, Chinese, Irish, and an Australian. The Chinese person looked inside his sandwich and said, “Oh CRAP! If I get peanut butter sandwich again from my wife, I am going to jump off ... Read More »

Golf challenge

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could ... Read More »

A Visit to Hell

A man died and went to heaven. After an eternity passed, he asked St. Peter to let him visit hell because he was tired of the monotonous life in heaven. St. Peter agreed to let him go for one night. “Devil, I’m spending a night here,” the man said on arrival. “I’ve been told hell is great fun.” “Welcome,” replied ... Read More »

Dog’s New Years Resolution

I will not eat the cats’ food, before or after they eat it. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. I will not steal Mom’s underwear and dance all over the back yard with it. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on ... Read More »

Talking to Me?

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question. “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness ... Read More »

Climb the Walls

The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, “I’m so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that my dear,” she asked. The little boy replied, “I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came ... Read More »

Redneck quickies 16

You might be a redneck if… You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow. You mow your lawn and find a car. You can spit without opening your mouth. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight. You go Christmas shopping for your ... Read More »

Remember When…

One night, a woman woke up in the middle of the night and found her husband in the kitchen sobbing. “Honey, what’s wrong?” she asked. He replied,”Do you remember when we were still dating, and your father caught us making love, and he told me either marry my daughter or you will spend the next 20 years in jail?” “Of ... Read More »

Panic on the flight

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the Captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit ... Read More »

Knock Knock 5

Knock Knock Who’s there? Alba! Alba! Alba in the kitchen if you need me! Knock Knock Who’s there? Albee! Albee! Albee a monkey’s uncle! Knock Knock Who’s there? Albert! Albert who! Albert you don’t know who this is! Knock Knock Who’s there? Alberta! Alberta who! Alberta’ll be over in a minute! Knock Knock Who’s there? Alda! Alda who? Alda time ... Read More »

Oral Sex

Grandma Saperstein and Grandpa Rabinowitz are sitting on the verandah of the old folks home rocking back and forth in their rocking chairs. Grandpa Rabinowitz rocks forward in his chair and says to Grandma, “Fuck you!”Grandma Saperstein rocks forward in her chair and says to Grandpa, “Fuck you too!”Grandpa becomes very much excited and shouts, “Fuck you!” swinging more forward ... Read More »

Clergy on the beach

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts and shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” ... Read More »

English Scientists

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the ... Read More »

Cinderella Re-Mix

One day when Cinderella was doing her chores, a letter came in the mail about a ball that was going to be that night. So she thought, wow, I get to go to my first ball! Right before she was about to go and get changed one of her step-sisters came and grabbed the letter out of her hand. Her ... Read More »

If Airlines Sold Paint…

Customer: How much is your paint? Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends. Customer: Depends on what? Clerk: Actually, it depends on a number of things. Customer: Well, what is your average price for a gallon of paint? Clerk: Wow-that’s too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon, but we have 150 different prices ranging up to $200 ... Read More »