Last Jokes

Picasso Saves Sight for Sore Eyes

Picasso’s mistress was losing her eyesight so he took her to an opthomologist in Paris. Upon examination, the doctor reported that nothing could be done and she would soon become blind. Picasso then sought out the best eye doctor in all of France, but got the same prognosis. He even took her to the best doctor in all of Europe, ... Read More »

Letters to the President

Dear Bill: As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial. Jimmy Carter ——————— Dear Bill: OK, so ... Read More »

Signs the Enterprise is Nearing the End of its Warranty

21: Impulse engines stall when used in reverse. 20: Digital speedometer on helm console stuck at “88”. 19: Shields fail to work on alternate Fridays. 18: Rust problem in engineering causes support failure: one corner of warp coil now held up by phone book. 17: Computer fails to process any instruction beginning with “w”. 16: Booster cables become permanent fixtures ... Read More »

More controversy in

More controversy in pairs skating when Boris and Natasha were awarded a gold medal by the Eastern Bloc countries, even though they were clearly beaten by Moose and Squirrel. Read More »

Signs that you may be a drunk!

*** Signs that you “just might” have a drinking problem. *** You lose arguments with inanimate objects. You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth. Your job is interfering with your drinking. Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream. Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group. 24 hours ... Read More »

Having a Beer

Having a beer

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second… sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one… sets it down and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man then leaves. On the same day the ... Read More »

Three Travellers

Three travellers hot air balloon

Three travellers, an American, a Russian and an African, were all on a world tour in a hot air balloon. The Russian man puts his hand over the side and feels into the clouds. – “Aaah!” he said, “We’re right over my homeland.” – “How can you tell?” asked the American. – “I can feel the cold air” he replied. ... Read More »

Thirty things porno producers would have us believe…

1. Women wear high heels to bed. 2. Men are never impotent. 3. When going down on a woman 10 secs is more than satisfactory. 4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her. 5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the ... Read More »

Lawyer Jokes

What’s the only disadvantage to using lawyers instead of rats in laboratory experiments? It’s harder to extrapolate the test results to human beings. Why should lawyers be buried 100 feet deep? Because deep down, they’re really good people. What educational programs should the United States support to alleviate the burgeoning US-Japan trade imbalance? Japanese language lessons for lawyers. Why do ... Read More »

Subtitles from Hong Kong

The following are actual English subtitles used in films from Hong Kong: * I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way. * Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep. * Gun wounds again? * Same old rules: no eyes, no groin. * A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries. * Darn, I’ll burn you into a ... Read More »

After Sex

A man and his four-year-old son were talking about sex. The son asked his father, “Dad, what does a pussy look like?” The dad asked him, “Before or after sex?” “Ummm, before sex,” the kid replied. The dad said, “Have you ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red petals?” “Yeah,” said the son. “Well, what about after sex?” ... Read More »

The Snorer

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. “You’ve got to have a room somewhere.” he pleaded. “Or just a bed–I don’t care where.” “Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores ... Read More »

Useless Facts

Here are some useless facts that you may enjoy… The longest one-syllable word in the English language is “screeched.” On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag. Barbie’s measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33. All of the clocks in Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20. No word in the English ... Read More »

Bah Humbug Christmas

T’was the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed He cussed out the elves and threw down his list Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks I have good mind to scrap the whole works I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear The old lady bitches cause I work ... Read More »

Guiness and women

This is very upsetting for you guys. Research scientists at Guinness suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption after considering the results of a recent analysis, which had revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed eight pints ... Read More »

Un hombre de campo que

Un hombre de campo que se fue a trabajar a la ciudad, y a los dos días envió un telegrama a su esposa con el siguiente texto: «Cama lista, pierna abierta». La esposa, al leer el telegrama, se llenó de emoción, así que corrió a su cuarto, alistó la cama, se puso la bata más sexy que encontró y se ... Read More »

Drunk Driving Test

Drunk Driving Test

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath… He said, “‘I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.” She blew up ... Read More »

Top Ten Signs Santa Doesn’t Like Your Kid

10. Kid’s letter to north pole comes back stamped, “Dream on, Chester!” 9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes 8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling 7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts 6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer ... Read More »

Gonna Back to Italy

(Attention: this must be read with an Italian accent, preferably out loud.) One day ima gonna Malta to a bigga hotel. ina morning I go to eat brekfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. she brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. she says go to the toilet. I say you no understand. ... Read More »

Stupid master

Stupid master

A gorilla was walking thru’ a jungle when he came across a deer eating grasses in a clearing. The gorilla roared, ‘Who’s the king of the jungle?’, and the deer replied, ‘Oh, you are, Master.’ The gorilla walked off pleased. Soon he came across a zebra drinking at a water hole. Again, he roared,’Who’s the king of the jungle?’, of ... Read More »