Last Jokes

Redneck quickies 40

You might be a redneck if… Your husband spray paints the upholstery of your car to make it look new. You can identify your friends by the sound of their mufflers. You think OFF is a fine smelling cologne. You put a Clapper on your headlights. You need a dictionary to spell your name. You don’t change your socks until ... Read More »

An honest lawyer

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.”As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She ... Read More »

The next one

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. “I’m busy,” he said. “I’ll do the next one.” The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his eyes as he looked at his wife. “I didn’t mean the next diaper. I meant the ... Read More »

Tell her you love her

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob went straight over to Joe’s place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he ... Read More »

Gather at the river

A southern minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great statement he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.” With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river!” And then finally, he ... Read More »

French happiness

When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador’s wife was talking with Madame deGaulle. “Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement ... Read More »

Speech Impediment

Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former “loves”. I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment. George said, “Jimmy, I’m shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl’s problem?” Taking a sip, I ... Read More »

Bible By College Students:

How the Bible would have been different if written by college students: Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t dorm food. Paul’s Letters to the Romans become Paul’s E-Mail ... Read More »

Belfast Bad Taste

The curfew in Belfast started at 10 pm and at 9.30 pm the British soldiers were leaving their barracks to enforce it. A sergeant in charge of one of the patrols heard a shot ring out at 9.35 pm.He soon discovered that Private Connolly had shot a man.’It’s only 9.35 pm,’ roared the sergeant. ‘Why did you shoot him?”I know ... Read More »

Top 10 reasons why Star Wars is better than Star

10. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable–after pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell. 9. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action. 8. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters. 7. One word: lightsabers. 6. The ... Read More »

Talk with God

MAN: God, my girlfriend is so pretty and has such pretty hair. GOD: I know, I made her that way so you would love her. MAN: God, she has such beautiful blue eyes. GOD: I know I made them for her so you would love her. MAN: There is only one thing wrong with her. She is a little dense. ... Read More »

Naughty Pastors

Three pastors and their wives were car-pooling their way back from a revival when suddenly their van slid off the side of a cliff. Sadly, they were all killed. At the Pearly Gates, Peter called the first couple forward. Looking through his book, Peter looked up at the first preacher sharply, “You hypocrit!” he boomed, “All you ever cared about ... Read More »

Two lions

Two lions

Two lions were lying around in the jungle. One of them his licking his asshole. The other lion asked him, “Why are you licking your asshole?” The second lion replied, “Aww, I just ate a lawyer and I’m trying to get the taste out of my mouth.” Read More »

Washington hotel

The man and his wife were vacationing in Washington D.C.. They checked into a hotel and was getting ready to settle in for the night his wife being the natural worrier she was said honey I’ve heard that a lot of these hotel’s here in Washington are bugged because a lot of politician’s stay in them, so i would feel ... Read More »

Great lines from job evaluations!

1. I would not allow this employee to breed. 2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won’t be. 3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously ... Read More »

Corporate Assprints

This one is supposed to be a true story, told by a co-worker. Any of you have those square electronic keys you press against a pad to open the building door? I worked at a relatively high-security building which had electronic locks. A thick plastic card pressed against the door pad unlocks the door so you can enter. Most of ... Read More »

The Helpful Pilot

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if we wanted to get of the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and ... Read More »

Gone Fishing

An old man takes his grandson fishing on afternoon. After 15 minutes of fishing,ol grandpa takes out his flask of wiskey and starts drinking. His grandson ask’s,”Can I have some Grandpa? “Can your dick touch your ass?” he replies. “No” “Then you’re not old enought,sit down” Another 15 minutes pass and grandpa takes out his Camel and starts to puff ... Read More »

Firm THIS up!

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, “If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.” While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her ... Read More »